Wednesday, 4 February 2015

From Script To Screen Online Greenlight Review 2

1 comment:

  1. OGR 05/02/2015

    Evening Mailin,

    Okay - I'm just going to be very honest with you. I don't think your story works - at least, I don't understand it, or rather, it's nuts. The thing I don't understand - or rather the bit that feels arbitrary - is the piano peddle; it's not an object anyone is going to recognise (why would they?) and your story doesn't 'explain' the eating condition of the human, or even show that they're eating a piano.. I don't really understand why there's a roller coaster being built either... This story still has big problems for me.

    I'm going to suggest, for the sake of your audience, that you consider reversing the structure a bit - and start with a man in a room eating his way through a variety of household objects... we follow one of these objects as it plummets down his throat. Next scene we're introduced to the art gallery, with your bacteria gathering around all the strange objects in whispered wonderment etc. In terms of the piano, I think we should be introduced to other venues inside the body, including a nightclub etc, where tentacled bacteria are playing instruments comprised of digested components - so not a complete piano, but rather a musical contraption made from swallowed bits of a piano; visually, I'm thinking it's a mixture of Monsters Inc and this very early example of stop motion - The Mascot: (it's the sequences towards the end with the band playing I'm thinking about)

    In terms of your story, I think maybe it just needs to be a tour of this inner world and all its surreal environments. By way of an ending, I can see how we return 'up' and back out as we see the Pica guy munching on something else, completely unaware of the fantasia of fun that's going on in his belly...

    In design terms, I'm going to be equally honest: I like your stomach concept art, because it's strong and fun, but your character designs are just too simplistic, Mailin - the way they're drawn, their faces... I want to see the influence of your character design classes in this project, and while it's clear your characters are going to be composed of simple shapes, they do need to read as characters; take a look at these references for a sense of how you might actually approach a more challenging, less generic cast of characters:

    I want to see you designing something with more finesse, more sophistication and more process in terms of drawing. You've got the opportunity here to envision a wonderful alternate universe and I think you need to see it as the challenge that it is in terms of your job as a designer.

    This is a tough project and I suspect you're struggling a bit, but you do need to look again at the potential of your concept, and revisit your story, because Shannon's journey and the piano peddle isn't working because it doesn't explain anything about your concept, and your audience will be left scratching their heads...