From Script To Screen - Story idea revised after chat with Phil!

This time, rather than telling a whole story in 1 minute, I'm trying to tell the beginnings or the trailer of a story.

Once upon a time there was a poor boy who couldn't help himself, he had to eat anything he came across ...
Derrick, a young boy sits in his room, gnawing on a piano, in the next room are his mother and sister who whisper about him, worried.
"He's almost eaten the whole piano now!"
"When will it ever stop?"
But what he doesn't know, there is a beautiful world inside him.
Focus on Derrick's mouth as he pops another piano key in and swallows it whole. The key goes through the throat into the stomach and arrives at a fabulous world in which bacteria pick up the key and put it on show in their own Art Gallery. The Gallery is beautiful with lots of curiosities that fascinate the bacteria passing by.
Shannon the musician likes to assemble her own instruments. 
Intro Shannon, playing on a crude instrument made from pieces of wood and remotely resembling a tiny piano that has a long string attached that leads up to the throat. As she plays away, the string suddenly taunts and moves the instrument, but Shannon desperately clings on and gets pulled out of the stomach.
Until everything changed.
Cut to Derrick holding the piece of string he's just pulled from his mouth, zoom into Shannon dangling from it, looking confused.

Feedback please! :p