I think things have become a bit complex here; for example, father/daughter relationships and a protagonist wanting to explore new worlds... isn't the idea of a world inside a sword-swallower's belly elaborate/complex enough?!
I think you need to think much more about establishing this world and its logic as part of your story, as opposed to simply using it as a backdrop for another kind of adventure. Isn't the reveal that we're inside someone's stomach big enough to power your story by itself?
I think you need to strip many of these elements out (a hotel!?) and explore the scenario more purely.
For example: scene 1: we're in a hushed art gallery; what look like aliens of different types, are gathered around extraordinary artefacts. (What we don't yet is these are not aliens, but bacteria and enzymes etc and that we're inside a human body). This scene is played completely straight. The audience thinks it's watching something science-fiction-y. Aliens in an inter-planetary sculpture gallery. Maybe a small 'child' alien, bored, separates from all the others and goes exploring - and it's through the explorations of this character that the audience (and the 'child' learns) that we're actually inside the body of a human who eats inedible things - this idea is too big to 'not' be the purpose of your story.
You need to strip it out, Mailin - and let the scenario breathe a bit or your audience will be confused.
OGR 22/01/2015
ReplyDeleteHey Mailin,
I think things have become a bit complex here; for example, father/daughter relationships and a protagonist wanting to explore new worlds... isn't the idea of a world inside a sword-swallower's belly elaborate/complex enough?!
I think you need to think much more about establishing this world and its logic as part of your story, as opposed to simply using it as a backdrop for another kind of adventure. Isn't the reveal that we're inside someone's stomach big enough to power your story by itself?
I think you need to strip many of these elements out (a hotel!?) and explore the scenario more purely.
For example: scene 1: we're in a hushed art gallery; what look like aliens of different types, are gathered around extraordinary artefacts. (What we don't yet is these are not aliens, but bacteria and enzymes etc and that we're inside a human body). This scene is played completely straight. The audience thinks it's watching something science-fiction-y. Aliens in an inter-planetary sculpture gallery. Maybe a small 'child' alien, bored, separates from all the others and goes exploring - and it's through the explorations of this character that the audience (and the 'child' learns) that we're actually inside the body of a human who eats inedible things - this idea is too big to 'not' be the purpose of your story.
You need to strip it out, Mailin - and let the scenario breathe a bit or your audience will be confused.